Insights to my lowlights

I would like to take the time to shed more light on the 1st part of my story. The reason, I got a lot of feedback and I never expected so many people to read my story and have interest. With that said it makes sense that my perception was read and seen through a lot of different lenses and without knowing opinions and conclusions were drawn from things that I maybe directly said and things that I didn’t even say but was assumed.

So this blog goes out with my mom in the headline. The headline of my life on earth in this lifetime from the second I have been conceived. The apex of my heart and the epicenter of my soul connection. For those of you that read between the lines that I regret my mom’s decision to fight for us to live with her cannot be more wrong. I praise her for doing what she did. I accept that she was only doing the best with the knowledge she had at hand (like we all do). I know my mother from the inside out. Literally. I know what her heart beats sounds like from the inside, I know what her voice sounds like from another dimension in the universe as she called to me and transported me through the portal of her intuition into human form. I am also abundantly grateful for her patience because even from childbirth she dealt with me being stubborn as she was in labor for 15 hours if not longer.

See the thing is, she could have chosen another soul to connect with in this life but she chose me. She gave me the opportunity at having another human experience and this all at the expense of herself. While I was a fetus she gave up the shape of her body and shared her nutrients with me. At childbirth, she went through the most excruciating pain known to mankind (I know some will try to justify that there are other worse things but this is up there). Then she gave up her beautiful bust to feed me - Which I heard for a long time after by the way. I sucked her dry and stole her beautiful breasts. Giggles and said with a light heart. This goddess walked through hell fighting her own demons and never did she defend herself, instead she protected her children and tried to give us the very best she could even if it means she had to pay with her blood and sanity I am sure. I praise my mom and the amount of love and appreciation I have for her can’t fit in the vibration range of the 26 letters of the alphabet and nor can the internet contain it so I won't try to share it here.

So for those of you reading this and there are thoughts of judgement coming up in any way at all, I want you to know that this is the exact reason I am writing this. To cascade a healing process in every single person reading this. Words and intention carry a very strong vibrational energy and my intention with this is for people to experience the liberation I have as they start and work through their own healing process.

Lao TZU said: “If you want to awaken all of humanity, then awaken all of yourself. If you want to eliminate the suffering in the world, then eliminate all that is dark and negative in yourself. Truly, the greatest gift you have to give is that of your own self-transformation.”

This dear ones, is exactly what I am sharing with you. Please allow me to further explain what I mean because I am not writing this to get judged for it but know it is inevitable. When we judge others it is because we so easily judge ourselves and the thing we do not approve of what we do, this judgement is then easily placed on others too. If we become aware of self-judgment and self-criticism and realize how much it hurts and how useless it is when that is the way you look at yourself, there is no way you will put that on someone else. I do, however, understand that this is easier said than done. The path to self-love and mindfulness is not all moonshine and roses. If there is a rose tree without thorns, it is probably fake.

So to my mom and all other moms out there… I write this to thank you goddesses for being so incredibly strong, dedicated and selfless. Everyone has their own story and they see it through their own lenses, which makes it unique. But yoga taught me that we are all one unit and it took me a long time to understand what this means and I am looking forward to the perception I have now to evolve further.

To me, it means that everyone has their own story but the feelings and the emotions we feel are universal which doesn’t make us so different that we all think. We all feel shame, regret, sadness, grief, happiness, fear, anger, joy, disgust, surprise etc (see picture attached)

It is just different situations that lead to us feeling those same things. So please don’t read my story thinking I had things worse than you or I had a disadvantage or didn’t deserve what happened to me. I am an extremely sensitive person and those of you that know me and reading this will agree. I also have to add though, that I am the most stubborn person I know. So it takes a lot for me to learn a lesson. So the things that happen to me might seem extreme but I feel if it didn’t my stubbornness wouldn’t subside and I wouldn’t learn my lessons. In the hand of despair, there are always the most precious gifts. So I feel honored that I can be aware of this so early in my life. Even though it took me what feels like a lifetime to transform from the “poor me” version of myself to the affirmative form of me and I have to add that sometimes I hear my inner voice still not talking in the language of affirmation but I become aware of that much quicker now and that is good enough for me.

My mom was so kind to share some letters I wrote to her when I was younger and this was such an eye opener for me and confirming how I viewed life and how scared and submissive I was. It gave me such a beautiful reflection and motivated my reason to share my progression. Please see these letters below. Most of them were written in my native language (Afrikaans) so I translated them for everyone to understand.

These letters made me think about the endless spiral that exists in the question: What came first, the egg or the chicken?

You might think this is a very strange connection to make and as you read how my story unfolds you will notice more and more that I am completely bonkers but I like myself this way.

The letters made me think… was it my character that attracted the situations in my life or was it the situations in my life that developed my character? A lot of people will have interesting opinions about that and please feel free to share them. But my conclusion… it is both and neither at the same time. A lot like the law of duality, the yin, and the yang. The one does not exist without the other. Neither is the one separate from the other but the same and one. Just like the 2 sides of a coin, heads and tails exist on the 2 respective sides of a coin but they are still part of the same coin.

With this cleared up please do enjoy my story and share your thoughts with me as this is my story, told simply in the way I perceived things and how the present moment was imprinted into my memories and became my past.

Writing a letter to Santa, asking for clothes or a skateboard. My manifestation game there was still nowhere as I write down that I know this is not possible but I did not understand the law of attraction and I did not know there was such a thing as manifestation yet. I will definitely refer back to this in later blogs to show my transformation.

Hey guys (referring to my mom and stepdad)

Yes it is Carla and you guys know what I am about to say and I want to apologize, I phoned my friends and it wasn’t even a long call or it didn’t feel long when I spoke to them. I asked them for advice as no one else could give me advice and I had to ask them. I am honest now and I am very scared of you guys. According to me, you shouldn’t be scared of your parents. I am also a Christian and I am going to live like one, honest even if it hurts. It is Thursday today which means I can get my sim card next week. And I beg you that we please not talk about this again because I feel very bad about it already. I am sorry and I know it was wrong. Sorry but I love you lots mom. Lovies from the ghost.

I referred to myself as the ghost… I will also refer back to this and the way I referred to myself and what that leads to in my story later on. I was brought up as a Christian and I will also share how my perception and belief changed from being religious to being spiritual.

Dear Mom.

Mom if I (old Carla) behave myself and act like me and if I am back in business, may I please go ice skating this weekend because the following weekends I am going to daddy and then I have to study for exams. I understand and respect moms point but if I prove myself to mom, which I will (I will always try to prove myself and I will succeed in it too). Mom told me I can talk to you over letters too and at this stage, I find it easier than to talk to you. Mom also asked me if you can be my friend and I said yes. Just for your information, I have never lied or hidden anything from you since that day, promise and I also don’t think I will be able to do that easily.

PS – my friend, please write back.

And please sleep on it, I will wait. Love you. Mom, please don’t tell anyone.

To give you some insight into this letter – I ran away but I left a note telling my mom where I went. In my mind this was me running away in a very scared way… The funny part now looking back on it, was that it was about something stupid like do the dishes or clean the house if I remember correctly.

Mom

I am going to sleep somewhere else tonight. Just leave me so I can clear my mind. Mom chased me away anyway. I will see you again tomorrow. I just want to let you know that nothing has ever hurt me like this when you told me I should leave. I will see you tomorrow then it gives me time to think and also you. Sorry for what I did but I really need time to think and it is also not the first time that you chased me away. We can talk tomorrow if you can. Lovies Carla.

As I share more of my story I will tell you guys why these letters are relevant and how it links into the broader perspective. So stay tuned…

Until next time…